Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars...

[mrv3000]

No, I haven't seen III yet. I'm seeing it this coming weekend with friends. The problem is that one of my friends is *not* sci-fi minded and wouldn't be able to pick out Chewbacca in a lineup of humans. So I've been thinking of things to give her so that she'll be able to follow the sixth third movie.



- Part I – There's Something About Sith -

Qui-Gon: The young one can drive a pod racer very well. Plus he made C3PO. The Force must be strong with this one.

Obi-Wan: Really? 'Cause I'm not really getting anything. I mean, he doesn't even have a hyphen in his name.

Qui-Gon: I think we'll keep him and being my servant, I mean apprentice, you get to walk him.

Obi-Wan: Well shit.

Anakin: But what about my mother?

Qui-Gon: We don't want her. She did the nasty with a Sith.

Anakin: Don't mention my mother!! *rage rage rage*

Padmé: That's so cuuuuute!

Jar Jar: Me so wanna cramta!

Obi-Wan: What?

Jar Jar: Cramta! Cramta!

Obi-Wan: Does anyone understand this thing?

Anakin: No.

Padmé: No.

Qui-Gon: No.

Audience: No.

Obi-Wan: Oh God, it's pulling down its pants! *whips out lightsaber*

Padmé: Well, I'm off to rule a planet and decide matters of state at the age of 14. And then tell Brittney all about it later and she'd be like, 'duh!' and I'd be like, 'uh, huh!.' And then we're going shopping. Ta!

Anakin: I want to go with her and draw pictures of us holding hands when I'm older and legal!

Obi-Wan: No! Bad Ani! *smacks across the head* You're going to become a monk who plays with his own lightsaber, thank you very much!

Anakin: Crap. Hey, what's happening over there?

Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon! Nooooooooooooooooooo! *mellow rage mellow rage mellow rage*

Anakin: Uh oh. I need to go walkies.

- End Part I -

- Part II – Send in the Clones -

Anakin: You're not my real father!

Obi-Wan: Yes, that's because your mother was a slut.

Anakin: Don't mention my mother!! *rage rage rage*

Padmé: Wow, that is so completely hot!

Jar Jar: Cramta?

Padmé: Oh my God, let's get out of here. Jar Jar? You're in charge until I get back. Now don't go giving away all democratic power while I'm gone, okay?

Jar Jar: Cramta!

Anakin: You know, you sitting here in this field of flowers and looking all pretty reminds me...

Padmé: Yes?

Anakin: ...reminds me of my mother.

Padmé: Oh good grief.

Anakin: Mother was so great.

Padmé: Here we go.

Anakin: Someday I'd like to marry mother.

Padmé: What?!

Anakin: A *girl* like mother. Yes. Hey, let's go visit!

Padmé: Well, I don't know.

Anakin: I'm coming, Mommy!!

Obi-Wan: Wow, that's a whole lot of clones and I know I'm supposed to be disturbed, but *damn* that's cool. Who knew Stormtroopers had a backstory?

Tall Alien: Would you like to meet Jango Fett? Father of *Boba* Fett?

Obi-Wan: Get. Out. That is so wicked!

Anakin: Mother is...is DEAD. WOE. WOE. *RAGE RAGE RAGE*

Padmé: Wow, that is so completely hot!

Anakin: *sulk*

Padmé: Whoops. Gotta go save Obi-Wan.

Anakin: He's not my real father, you know.

Obi-Wan: Oh, *finally* you come to rescue me. Of course, you get captured yourself. How typical.

Anakin: Oh yeah? Well, you're not...

Obi-Wan: ...your real father. Yadda yadda. Well, maybe I am! You ever think about that?

Anakin: Father?

Obi-Wan: No, wrong movie. But keep that in mind for later.

Audience: Holy shit! R2D2 can fly?

Yoda: Stormtroopers attack, you must.

Stormstroopers: Huzzah!

Yoda: Now go kick ass, I must.

Audience: Huzzah!

Anikin: *sniff* Mother. 'M' was for the million things she gave me...

Padmé: So. Hot. Let's get married!!

- End Part II -