Since I'm up, I may as well post fic.

[mrv3000]

Title: Duck Soup
Rating: PG for language (or whatever system everyone has decided to use - P23-x-7carrythesheep+1 for language.)
Fandom: SG-1 (Sam/Jack)
Spoilers: Set in early Season 8. General knowledge of 8.

A/N: This was written due to a moment of insanity of signing up for the sjficathon. I was writing for poohmusings who demanded UST, set in Season 8 and for the story to stay as close to canon as possible. She absolutely did not want Mini!Anyone, babies and any sort of character bashing. You know how hard it is to write UST in Season 8? Either you've got one thing to deal with, or if that thing is no longer around, you're probably getting out of UST territory. *smacks Karen around* (with love, of course)

After much freaking out about a possible plot, I *jokingly* suggested a story about a farting duck. Karen, without knowing I was writing for her, demanded I write that story. *cough* Obviously, it's a very silly little thing.

Thanks to splash_the_cat for betaing and for laughing with me instead of at me. I think. *smooch*

*

*

"What the hell?"

After years of witnessing whatever kind of weirdness the universe thought to hurl at him, including that freaky eight-legged, green sheep thing on P-whatever whatever, for the first time in quite a while Jack was actually taken by surprise. He stared down a corridor on Level 27, deciding that this was very appropriate for his day.

Jack's morning had gotten off to a thrilling start. For one thing he had gotten some grease on his jeans when getting into his truck that morning. Of course, it wasn't until he was half-way to the base that he discovered this. Rubbing at the dark streak only made it worse.

And then he had picked up an old ID card which he could have *sworn* he had shredded when it became inactive. The no-way-he's-eighteen airman at the gate didn't buy the whole mystery shredding thing and so Jack had spent twenty minutes trying to get it straightened out. After it was finally confirmed that Jack, despite his faded "Coors: Taste the Rockies" t-shirt (hey, it was the only thing in his hamper that didn't smell...much), was in fact a one-star general that belonged at the base, he rewarded the diligent young soldier with a pat on the back and an order to wash his truck by 1800 hours.

To top it all off, the base laundry flooded the night before and so he had his choice of wearing his normal working blues but with the fun of blue pants and a green shirt, or his dress blues.

Mis-matched it was then. It seemed only natural that in this state he would come face-to-face with a duck.

Only it wasn't natural - a little grey alien would have been natural. This was a duck. A brown, ordinary-looking duck. And it was staring at him.

Jack nodded at it. "Laundry was busted."

It quacked.

Fast-approaching footsteps skidded to a halt behind him and a hand touched his arm.

"Oh thank God," Carter said, slightly out-of-breath.

"New pet? Let me guess. His name is Quackers."

The duck stared at him.

"Donald?"

"No. It has Daniel's flash drive." She held her hand out in front of her - the universal don't-freak-out-at-me gesture – and slowly moved towards the creature.

"Want me to rough him up a bit?" Jack offered.

"What?"

"Oh, just using humor to deflect a growing urge to kick whoever's ass it was that missed a duck wandering onto the base..."

She stopped and turned back to him with what he swore was a slight, but guilty wince. "Sir?"

"Carter?"

"It's not an Earth duck."

Jack's eyes were back on the duck. "I'm not going to want to hear this, am I?"

Carter took a deep breath. "Daniel was finishing up his survey mission with SG-7 on P2X-982, which happened to be in a wooded area, Daniel says you would love it by the way..."

Jack's eyes narrowed.

She quickly continued. "...when a flock of particularly aggressive ducks started chasing him around the camp."

Okay, maybe he did want to hear this. Jack smirked. "Tell me SG-7 got video."

She gave him a small laugh. "Already checked."

"And?"

"No good. Daniel got to them first."

"Damn."

"Anyway, one of the ducks decided to make a meal out of his flash drive that had all the pictures from the mission on it. So since he didn't feel like waiting around for, um, nature to run its course, he brought it back with him."

"Just..." Jack sighed and stared at the duck, which turned, its head bobbing slightly, and wiggled its butt in their direction. "...ducky," he finished.

"Yes, sir."

"Carter?"

"Sir?"

"Tell me I approved an alien life form to be brought onto this base. Tell me that, because I obviously, oh I don't know, have a case of temporary amnesia where I have no memory of saying, 'Okay Daniel, bring Daffy on back and to hell with base procedure because I never really cared for it much anyway.' And then I'm sure, still in the part I can't remember, that I welcomed Daniel and his digesting duck with open arms and a bottle of laxatives."

Carter looked as if she wanted to say something but was biting her tongue, so he went on. "I know amnesia isn't out of the question but the thing is I feel fine. No mysterious bumps on the head. I remember my bicycle lock combination and what I had for dinner last night. The first girl I had a crush on was Cathy Prescott."

The left corner of her mouth tugged upwards. Jack shoved his hands under the green shirt and into blue pockets. "Okay, I'm done."

The quirk of Carter's lips turned into a knowing smile. "Daniel probably would have brought it back even if you had been here, sir."

"I'm sure. So why, pray tell, isn't Daniel duck-sitting until it can do its...thing?"

"Well, it bit him when he started to sing to it, and *please* sir, don't ask, and then it flew out of his lab."

"Dammit, I miss all the best stuff now."

"Every time security spots it on the cameras, it's gone by the time someone gets there. I think Daniel's running around Level 20 right now." She started towards the duck again.

"Okay, when's it going to breathe fire?"

"Fire? It's just a duck, sir."

"Oh no no no," he said, waving a hand. "It's an *alien* duck which means there will be either something horribly wrong with it, like poison darts will shoot out of its ears..."

Jack heard a snicker. He was *pretty* sure it had been Carter.

"...or it will have some weird-ass duck disease that will make everyone de-evolve or something."

"Been there. Done that." Carter continued to creep forward, Jack now following close behind.

He grinned. "Ah, good times."

She turned her head and frowned at him. "Oh yeah. That was a laugh-riot."

"Well, I seem to remember..."

Then it happened. The badness Jack *knew* would happen, happened. What was once a somewhat entertaining picture of Carter stalking a duck went horribly, horribly wrong.

A very distinct noise came from the area of the duck.

Carter stopped. "Was that...?"

"Oh God." Jack prepared to run like hell, but it was too late. The smell caught up with the sound. He waved a hand in front of his face as Carter, scrambling backwards, bumped into him and coughed into her shirt sleeve. "Okay, Daniel is on his own," he choked out.

He saw the conflict on Carter's face - it wavered between revulsion and determination. "Sir, we almost have it."

"Screw it. Let Daniel get near that gasbag."

Revulsion was clearly losing as the smell dissipated, and she started to pantomime with her hands. "If we both kind of herd it..."

"Carter, I love you, but there's no way I'm getting near a farting duck."

Jack swore time actually stopped - eternity would be spent with Carter (good), a gassy duck (bad) and those words hanging in the air (shit.)

Carter stared at him. It was probably the first time in history anyone had willed a duck to fart.

Now would be good.

The duck quacked.

So close, and yet not enough to distract Carter. Damn duck.

"And by that I mean..."

She shifted onto one foot. "Oh, of course, sir. I know..."

Jack shifted feet as well. "In the sense that I love all living creatures..."

"Yes, I'm sure."

"...including the duck."

"Naturally."

"And you're seeing someone."

"This is true."

"So we're clear?"

"You love ducks."

"Exactly."

Yep, this day was just *perfect.*

Jack felt a tug on his pant leg. "It's trying to eat my pants, isn't it?"

"Uh..." Carter looked down. "Yes, sir."

"Of course it is." Jack reached down and scooped up the duck, which flapped its wings violently at the indignity of being picked up. It then proceeded to attack his shirt.

Carter attempted not to smile, but failed. "Maybe it's offended by your fashion statement."

"Oh ha ha."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist. Want me to take it?"

"Oh no. I love the duck." Jack patted it with his free hand. "I'll take it up to Daniel. I'm sure you've got more important things to do with your life. Me? I've just got the thrill of paperwork waiting for me."

"Are you sure?"

"I owe him an ass-kicking anyway."

That earned him a low chuckle. "Thanks, sir," she said, then looked at him strangely. "Uh, sir?"

"Carter?"

"You've got a feather on your face." She reached up and plucked it off. "And some...some grease?" She was now rubbing his face with her hand.

Jack cleared his throat.

Carter stopped and blinked. "Well, you can probably clean yourself, right?" Her hands flew behind her back. "Yeah, I'm going to go now," she said as she bolted and quickly disappeared around a corner.

The duck quacked at him from under his arm.

"Oh, shut up."

- The End -

Comments

[josephides.livejournal.com]

What a great hangover cure! Ha! So funny! *smoooch*

freaky eight-legged, green sheep thing on P-whatever whatever

*snicker*

[fairygnomes.livejournal.com]

*loves you and the duck*

Only now I have to explain why I'm gutting myself in the office. I will not say farting duck. I won't. Dammit.

[jemster.livejournal.com]

Poor widdle duck. So misunderstood.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

I know! *sniff*

[loriel-eris.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful! I was a tad dubious when I saw that there was a farting duck involved (humour is ok, but I'm not such a big fan of the... ludicrous(?)), but I'm so glad I read it anyway! It totally worked. Plus I would've forgiven you anything for this line:

"Carter, I love you, but there's no way I'm getting near a farting duck."

Jack swore time actually stopped - eternity would be spent with Carter (good), a gassy duck (bad) and those words hanging in the air (shit.)


And the conversation that followed. *g*

I'm so impressed that you managed to make 'farting ducks' work for me. So impressed. :)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful!

Thank you so much! :)

I was a tad dubious when I saw that there was a farting duck involved (humour is ok, but I'm not such a big fan of the... ludicrous(?)), but I'm so glad I read it anyway! It totally worked.

Thanks! Yeah, I really didn't want to get into parody territory. Plus one of the requirements said to make it close to canon, so I wanted it to read like an excerpt from a humor episode.

Plus I would've forgiven you anything for this line:

"Carter, I love you, but there's no way I'm getting near a farting duck."

Jack swore time actually stopped - eternity would be spent with Carter (good), a gassy duck (bad) and those words hanging in the air (shit.)

And the conversation that followed. *g*

*snicker* Poor Jack. :D

I'm so impressed that you managed to make 'farting ducks' work for me. So impressed. :)

*VBG* Thanks!!

[nandamai]

OMG, you guys *are* the biggest cheaters in the world. HAHAHA.

(Have not read story yet. For some reason I am expected at work.)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

OMG, you guys *are* the biggest cheaters in the world. HAHAHA.

Cheaters? What's this cheaters thing? Okay, so Karen *might* have found out I was writing for her, but that was only after I had written the story. ;)

(Have not read story yet. For some reason I am expected at work.)

I'm not!! WOO!

[lisayaeger.livejournal.com]

I never quite believed a duck, its fart, and ship could all work in the same fic, but now I really have read it all...

[jemster.livejournal.com]

But it's a mrv3000 fic! Of course it's gonna work!

[meg-pat2000.livejournal.com]

i never thought this was possible.....but you never fail to disappoint.

*giggles*

dude, a classic

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

*VBG* Thank you so much!! :)

[splash-the-cat.livejournal.com]

I'm always laughing with you. Really.

:)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Well, that's what you *say*...

[havocthecat]

*dies* *dies laughing again* I love this story. *snicker*

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

HEE!! Glad you liked it! :D

[matt1969.livejournal.com]

I have to admit... I was very worried when you started talking about farting ducks... but well done indeed :)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Matt! :)

Yeah, I'm sure most people pictured a goofy parody when they heard about the duck. Am happy to post something else!

[littledivinity.livejournal.com]

Holy moly...I may have been one of the people that said you could do it...but I was actually not expecting it to be that good.

I just luff this fic. *squeezes fic* Fantastic as always. ;)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Holy moly...I may have been one of the people that said you could do it...but I was actually not expecting it to be that good.

AWWWWWWW!

I just luff this fic. *squeezes fic* Fantastic as always. ;)

Hee hee! Thank you! *slobber*

[driftingatdusk.livejournal.com]

Absolutely fantastic! I can't c+p my favourite part because I loved it all - and, like fairygnomes, read it (for the first time) at work and had a really, really, really hard time trying to not to draw attention to myself.

*still snickering*

Really loved it. Really, really loved it. And well done on the S8 UST!!

Heee! Ducks rule! :)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Absolutely fantastic!

Thank you!!

I can't c+p my favourite part because I loved it all - and, like [info]fairygnomes, read it (for the first time) at work and had a really, really, really hard time trying to not to draw attention to myself.

I really should have put some kind of warning... :D

*still snickering*

Really loved it. Really, really loved it. And well done on the S8 UST!!

HEE! Thank you thank you!!

Heee! Ducks rule! :)

*QUACK*

[diavestra.livejournal.com]

Okay, that was *much* better than darting fucks!

And the perfect way to decompress after turning in my "Self-Evaluation and Year-End Accomplishments" this morning.

Sat here and just laughed like hell.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Okay, that was *much* better than darting fucks!

BWAH!!

And the perfect way to decompress after turning in my "Self-Evaluation and Year-End Accomplishments" this morning.

Sat here and just laughed like hell.

Sweeeeeeet. And you weren't scared at all, were you? Okay, maybe a little bit. ;)

[vicki595.livejournal.com]

*snickers muchly*

Gotta love farting ducks ;)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Comedy GOLD, I tell you! :D

Glad you liked it!

[pixiesio.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!! Yay, duck! ;)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

BWAH!! Glad you got a laugh!!

[poohmusings.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*loves you* I can officially die now, seeing as how a farting duck story as been written in my honor. :D Plus, the image of a bunch of ducks chasing Daniel around camp? Priceless. :)

And stop your whining about my requests. I asked for UST and S8 because I knew it could be done well. (Plus there's the whole good Sam hair. Heh.)

*SMOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

Now get your ass back from the beach!

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

*loves you* I can officially die now, seeing as how a farting duck story as been written in my honor. :D Plus, the image of a bunch of ducks chasing Daniel around camp? Priceless. :)

*SLOBBER* But don't die, okay?

And stop your whining about my requests. I asked for UST and S8 because I knew it could be done well.

Uh huh. Riiiiiiiight. Sure you did. Or maybe there was another reason?

(Plus there's the whole good Sam hair. Heh.)

There it is.

*SMOOOOOOOOOOOCH*

Now get your ass back from the beach!

Didn't end up going to the beach. I got like 2 hours of sleep last night so I'm pretty wasted. I went over and hung out with the friends this morning (one's visiting from Colorado, which is why I wanted to originally do the beach). But there's no way. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[sjshipper.livejournal.com]

"Carter, I love you, but there's no way I'm getting near a farting duck."

Gotta tell you, the build up on this farting duck thing has been huge. Glad to see it come to such wonderful fruition.

Now, how the hell do you get 56 comments on something you posted 12 hours ago? CNN wishes it had the viewership your LJ does.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Gotta tell you, the build up on this farting duck thing has been huge. Glad to see it come to such wonderful fruition.

*snicker* I did tease madly about the duck, didn't I? :D (And thanks!)

Now, how the hell do you get 56 comments on something you posted 12 hours ago? CNN wishes it had the viewership your LJ does.

It's not me. It's the power of a farting duck.

[annakarrennina.livejournal.com]

LMAO! Oh, that was *fabulous*! The duck! The grease! The cuteness! Squee!:)

Thank you for adding that to my day!:)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

Thank you so much! Glad you liked it!!

[woodface]

*takes off her hat in respect* I have no clue how you do it, but you made this work. Your characterisations were spot on as always which makes this even so much more funny as I can literally see this all happen (esp the Daniel being chased by ducks).

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Awwww, thanks! :) *slobber*

And I would pay money to see Daniel chased by ducks on the show!

[cofax7]

Oh, that's just adorable. Farting ducks!

Poor Jack. And of course Daniel would bring the duck back without any clearance at all.

Heee.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Yup, Daniel would *totally* do that! Glad you liked it!! :)

[majorsamfan.livejournal.com]

OMG...five minutes later and I'm still chuckling and wiping the tears from my eyes. You. ROCK. I bow to your greatness!
Jill/MajorSamFan

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

*snicker* :D

Glad you got a laugh! Thanks!! :)

[starbuck92.livejournal.com]

"Carter, I love you, but there's no way I'm getting near a farting duck."

How did you make that sentence so humorous and yet so poignant at the same time? Damn, you're good!

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Awwww, thanks! :)

[ship-recs.livejournal.com]

haha, this is wonderful.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you!!

[kikific.livejournal.com]

That was great! In addition to cuteness and fun, you *really* command their voices. I could absolutely hear the actors saying your dialogue.

Awesome!

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! The dialogue is something I always try to make work - makes even a farting duck believable that way. :D

[jainamsolo.livejournal.com]

I read this on FFN just the other day, and then I ended up getting linked to it here. I absolutely adore this story. I giggled through the entire thing, and then I read it again and giggled some more. Perfect mix of humor and cuteness.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :) Glad you liked it and it made you laugh!

[anr]

Funny and sweet and completely excellent.

"Carter, I love you, but there's no way I'm getting near a farting duck."

Best ILOVEYOU ever. :)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you!!