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Nice almost-a-week break from LJ and boy do I feel better. Well, that and I've invested in a Nerf bat...
I'm not here. Nope. I'm really not. I have tons of stuff I *should* be doing...like giving the place the once-over since![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
samkicksass is coming next Saturday. Maybe if I blindfold her the whole time, then I won't have to dust. *makes note to remove all house spiders*
nandamai's recent post got me to re-read those old Dark and Stormy stories josephides and I wrote a while back. Hadn't done that in a loooooong time.
"Sam, why did you want to marry Daniel? I mean, you know that I care about you a lot more than I'm supposed to."
"Sir, you care about The Simpsons a lot more than you're supposed to."
Heh. Even felt motivated to update their logos.
And apparently it was WIP Amnesty day yesterday. Or today. I can never tell with time zones. Somewhere in the world it's still January 18, I think. ANYWAY, I am going to let go of the ninja story. Yes, I am. It all happened in April 2003 over inhyari's journal...
*
Sohyari and familyarchives were apparently drunk or insane or trying to write Chuck Dixon/Bonnie Hammer smut (don't quite remember which) and came up with this challenge that they submitted to Helio (although I don't know if it ever made it on there):
Write a story with the following elements:
*
"What do think this is?"
Sam refocused her eyes at the object an inch from her face. She really didn't have time for whatever Daniel had found, after all, the naquada reactor was set to blow in approximately 32 seconds. But Daniel continued to waive it around, whacking it against her nose.
"It kind of looks like amber. And look! There's a little hole drilled in the side. Probably to extract DNA!" he exclaimed, never really looking at her, just looking in her general direction.
'DNA' got her attention. It wasn't like it was really her field, but...
No! Disarm the reactor that will annihilate *first*. *Then* spew big words with Daniel!
With one second to spare, Sam cut the red wire. And sighed. Okay, so she had technically disarmed the reactor instead of fixing it, but it damn well better have been good enough.
Unfortunately, with all the amber waiving and reactor disarming, Sam failed to hear the 40-foot dinosaur sneak up behind them. And Daniel? Well, Daniel and strategic observation were never really on the same page.
"Excuse me."
Daniel and Sam jumped at the voice from high above them, turned around and came face-to-lower leg of the huge creature.
"Hey down there."
Daniel pushed Sam aside, ready to communicate. After all, it was a sentient life form. It *must* be communicated with, dammit.
"My name is Dr. Daniel Jackson. This is, uh...Major Samantha Carter. We come in peace."
"That's nice. The name's Steve and you're being kidnapped."
"I don't think so. Just because you're telling us we're being kidnaped is no...Oh my God! He has a zat!" Daniel cried.
"That's right. And I'm not afraid to use it," Steve threatened, using his small little hand to thrust out the weapon about an inch from his body. But still, one had to admit that a 40-foot dinosaur holding a zat was pretty threatening. "Now move!"
Sam and Daniel raised their hands above their head and began walking.
*
"Carter! Daniel!"
Jack tromped through the grass and towards a suspiciously unattended and, from the looks of it, non-functional naquada reactor.
"Oh, what the hell," he muttered. "This isn't fixed! She just disarmed it!" He fingered the cut wire and swore some more. Whose paycheck did she think it came out of every time they came back with broken equipment? That boat in his mind kept getting smaller - pretty soon he wouldn't be able to afford anything more than something with oars.
A glint on the ground caught his eye. Jack picked up the yellow rock. He immediately noticed the small hole drilled in the side.
Dammit! When would they learn! Chaos theory demanded that all artificially-created dinosaurs would become super intelligent. Everyone knew that!
He glared off into the distance from beneath his shades. The only logical conclusion would be that these super-intelligent dinosaurs had taken part of his team...uh, where the hell *was* Teal'c right now? He shrugged. Teal'c was happier on his own.
Uh, where was he? Oh yeah...super-intelligent dinosaurs had taken part of his team to another planet! A planet where dinosaurs ruled...and mainly had trouble dialing phones with their enormous hands. Typing on the computer was pretty much a bitch, too.
With his newfound insight, he turned and sprinted off towards the gate. Unfortunately for Jack, while wearing 'sunglasses at night so I can, so I can keep track of the visions in my eyes' may sound cool, it really prevents one from seeing the four-foot-deep dinosaur footprint in the dirt.
*
"O'Neill!"
Jack lifted his head out of the dirt. Hmm? How long was he was out? Hey! There was Teal'c!
Teal'c jumped down, grabbed Jack by his vest and lifted him off the ground. "Are you injured?"
"Crap. My knees. And I was *so* hoping there wouldn't be any clichés on this mission. Well, they're not that bad, but I'm sure that won't stop Fraiser from sticking a needle in my a..."
"Why are you in the hole?"
Oh yeah! "Super-intelligent dinosaurs! We gotta get to the gate!"
"Perhaps SG-31 will be able to assist us."
Oh right - *that's* where Teal'c had been. Off to find SG-31 who had been on the planet for a few days. He frowned. They thought they were so cool. And Teal'c was the only one they'd let hang around them.
Jack felt quick breezes whoosh past him. And then above him. And then below him. Next thing he knew he was face-to-face with SG-31.
Just great. The ninjas.
Jack faked a smile. "Carl. Bob. Pat. Ed. So...how you guys been?"
"Oh, you know. Can't complain," replied Carl, SG-31's leader and ninja master. "Well, that's not exactly true. Put in a requisition for throwing stars last week and what do I get but a case of protein bars."
"I hear ya. Only just the other day..."
"Sure. That's nice Jack."
Jack scowled. Every attempt to bond with these guys was shot down. Fine. He didn't need their coolness. He was plenty cool. The ninjas were definitely off his Christmas card list. Wait. Why *were* the ninjas hanging around him? "So what's going on?"
"Not much," Carl said as he peered out through his ninja mask. "Just watched Major Carter and Dr. Jackson shove a big-ass dinosaur through the gate."
"What?! Why didn't you stop them?!"
Carl shrugged. "Jack. You gotta admit that SG-1 does some pretty weird shit. For all we knew they were bringing home a sample."
Jack looked questioningly at Teal'c. "Teal'c?"
"I must confess, O'Neill, I do not understand the reasoning for a great number of our missions."
"Well...wait! They were pushing it through?! Why didn't they just run away?!"
"Jack." Carl paused dramatically. "It had a zat."
"Damn."
*
"and then I said, 'Clearly you are forgetting about the societal customs associated with that era...'"
Steve kept the zat aimed at the pair walking in front of him and moved his head down. "What the hell's he talking about?" he whispered to Sam.
Sam looked up at one very bewildered dinosaur. "The Great Archeology Debate of 1999." Unfortunately, Daniel had found someone new to tell the tale to. He kept forgetting that Sam had actually been there. And the great debate that kept getting greater had simply been two guys folding their arms over their chests and adjusting their glasses for a half an hour.
"Well, can't you do something? Make it stop!"
"You're the one holding the zat."
Steve's teeny dino hand twitched.
Sam looked up again, wondering how the hell his hands could be both enormous and teeny at the same time. Must be a depth-perception thing.
Suddenly Daniel stopped. "Wait. Sam! All we have to do is stand perfectly still. Steve won't be able to see us then!"
Sam glared at Daniel as she pulled him back into walking again. "If that isn't the stupidest load of..."
Steve cleared his throat. "No, no. Actually, he's right. Something that's perfectly still? Can't see it whatsoever. Yep, it's a real pain in the ass," he chuckled. "Frankly, I don't know how we get by at all. I mean just finding the toilet's a daily struggle. But, you probably don't want to hear me go on about my problems."
"See! I was right! Let's just stop!"
"Aw crap," Steve sighed. "Okay, here's the deal. We need you guys. We need a science-type person because we keep getting the blue screen of death on our computers..."
"Damn Microsoft," Sam muttered as the trio trekked onward.
Steve smirked. "Yeah, only here we call it Dinosoft for the obvious reasons. Oh, and we need a linguist because we found some alien text..."
"Well, why didn't you say so?!" Daniel demanded, perking up and beginning to bounce.
"Stop that." Steve's hand twitched again.
"Sorry." Daniel resumed his normal gait. Or tried to, every so often springing up without meaning to. "So, how'd you know to kidnap *us*?"
"Well, I've been watching you ever since you showed up on that planet."
"But we only arrived there a few hours ago," Sam frowned.
"We're really good watchers. Excellent hunting...I mean observing skills. And here's something you may not know - dinosaurs? Excellent judges of character."
Sam shook her head. "Did not know that."
"Plus there were these ninjas who told me who you were."
*
I'm not here. Nope. I'm really not. I have tons of stuff I *should* be doing...like giving the place the once-over since
samkicksass is coming next Saturday. Maybe if I blindfold her the whole time, then I won't have to dust. *makes note to remove all house spiders*nandamai's recent post got me to re-read those old Dark and Stormy stories josephides and I wrote a while back. Hadn't done that in a loooooong time."Sam, why did you want to marry Daniel? I mean, you know that I care about you a lot more than I'm supposed to."
"Sir, you care about The Simpsons a lot more than you're supposed to."
Heh. Even felt motivated to update their logos.
And apparently it was WIP Amnesty day yesterday. Or today. I can never tell with time zones. Somewhere in the world it's still January 18, I think. ANYWAY, I am going to let go of the ninja story. Yes, I am. It all happened in April 2003 over in
hyari's journal...*
So
hyari and familyarchives were apparently drunk or insane or trying to write Chuck Dixon/Bonnie Hammer smut (don't quite remember which) and came up with this challenge that they submitted to Helio (although I don't know if it ever made it on there):Write a story with the following elements:
- Sam fixes a naquadah reactor.
- Sam and Daniel get kidnapped by dinosaurs who take them to another planet.
- Jack hurts his knees looking for them.
- Sam saves Jack (unfortunately, Daniel gets left with the dinosaurs).
- Jack retires and gets banged.
- Thor gets kidnapped by the same dinosaurs, General Hammond makes Jack come out of retirement to rescue him. He succeeds.
- Daniel sets himself on fire. (accidentally, of course).
- No Jonas. Cause Jonas has no place in a fic with dinosaurs.
*
"What do think this is?"
Sam refocused her eyes at the object an inch from her face. She really didn't have time for whatever Daniel had found, after all, the naquada reactor was set to blow in approximately 32 seconds. But Daniel continued to waive it around, whacking it against her nose.
"It kind of looks like amber. And look! There's a little hole drilled in the side. Probably to extract DNA!" he exclaimed, never really looking at her, just looking in her general direction.
'DNA' got her attention. It wasn't like it was really her field, but...
No! Disarm the reactor that will annihilate *first*. *Then* spew big words with Daniel!
With one second to spare, Sam cut the red wire. And sighed. Okay, so she had technically disarmed the reactor instead of fixing it, but it damn well better have been good enough.
Unfortunately, with all the amber waiving and reactor disarming, Sam failed to hear the 40-foot dinosaur sneak up behind them. And Daniel? Well, Daniel and strategic observation were never really on the same page.
"Excuse me."
Daniel and Sam jumped at the voice from high above them, turned around and came face-to-lower leg of the huge creature.
"Hey down there."
Daniel pushed Sam aside, ready to communicate. After all, it was a sentient life form. It *must* be communicated with, dammit.
"My name is Dr. Daniel Jackson. This is, uh...Major Samantha Carter. We come in peace."
"That's nice. The name's Steve and you're being kidnapped."
"I don't think so. Just because you're telling us we're being kidnaped is no...Oh my God! He has a zat!" Daniel cried.
"That's right. And I'm not afraid to use it," Steve threatened, using his small little hand to thrust out the weapon about an inch from his body. But still, one had to admit that a 40-foot dinosaur holding a zat was pretty threatening. "Now move!"
Sam and Daniel raised their hands above their head and began walking.
*
"Carter! Daniel!"
Jack tromped through the grass and towards a suspiciously unattended and, from the looks of it, non-functional naquada reactor.
"Oh, what the hell," he muttered. "This isn't fixed! She just disarmed it!" He fingered the cut wire and swore some more. Whose paycheck did she think it came out of every time they came back with broken equipment? That boat in his mind kept getting smaller - pretty soon he wouldn't be able to afford anything more than something with oars.
A glint on the ground caught his eye. Jack picked up the yellow rock. He immediately noticed the small hole drilled in the side.
Dammit! When would they learn! Chaos theory demanded that all artificially-created dinosaurs would become super intelligent. Everyone knew that!
He glared off into the distance from beneath his shades. The only logical conclusion would be that these super-intelligent dinosaurs had taken part of his team...uh, where the hell *was* Teal'c right now? He shrugged. Teal'c was happier on his own.
Uh, where was he? Oh yeah...super-intelligent dinosaurs had taken part of his team to another planet! A planet where dinosaurs ruled...and mainly had trouble dialing phones with their enormous hands. Typing on the computer was pretty much a bitch, too.
With his newfound insight, he turned and sprinted off towards the gate. Unfortunately for Jack, while wearing 'sunglasses at night so I can, so I can keep track of the visions in my eyes' may sound cool, it really prevents one from seeing the four-foot-deep dinosaur footprint in the dirt.
*
"O'Neill!"
Jack lifted his head out of the dirt. Hmm? How long was he was out? Hey! There was Teal'c!
Teal'c jumped down, grabbed Jack by his vest and lifted him off the ground. "Are you injured?"
"Crap. My knees. And I was *so* hoping there wouldn't be any clichés on this mission. Well, they're not that bad, but I'm sure that won't stop Fraiser from sticking a needle in my a..."
"Why are you in the hole?"
Oh yeah! "Super-intelligent dinosaurs! We gotta get to the gate!"
"Perhaps SG-31 will be able to assist us."
Oh right - *that's* where Teal'c had been. Off to find SG-31 who had been on the planet for a few days. He frowned. They thought they were so cool. And Teal'c was the only one they'd let hang around them.
Jack felt quick breezes whoosh past him. And then above him. And then below him. Next thing he knew he was face-to-face with SG-31.
Just great. The ninjas.
Jack faked a smile. "Carl. Bob. Pat. Ed. So...how you guys been?"
"Oh, you know. Can't complain," replied Carl, SG-31's leader and ninja master. "Well, that's not exactly true. Put in a requisition for throwing stars last week and what do I get but a case of protein bars."
"I hear ya. Only just the other day..."
"Sure. That's nice Jack."
Jack scowled. Every attempt to bond with these guys was shot down. Fine. He didn't need their coolness. He was plenty cool. The ninjas were definitely off his Christmas card list. Wait. Why *were* the ninjas hanging around him? "So what's going on?"
"Not much," Carl said as he peered out through his ninja mask. "Just watched Major Carter and Dr. Jackson shove a big-ass dinosaur through the gate."
"What?! Why didn't you stop them?!"
Carl shrugged. "Jack. You gotta admit that SG-1 does some pretty weird shit. For all we knew they were bringing home a sample."
Jack looked questioningly at Teal'c. "Teal'c?"
"I must confess, O'Neill, I do not understand the reasoning for a great number of our missions."
"Well...wait! They were pushing it through?! Why didn't they just run away?!"
"Jack." Carl paused dramatically. "It had a zat."
"Damn."
*
"and then I said, 'Clearly you are forgetting about the societal customs associated with that era...'"
Steve kept the zat aimed at the pair walking in front of him and moved his head down. "What the hell's he talking about?" he whispered to Sam.
Sam looked up at one very bewildered dinosaur. "The Great Archeology Debate of 1999." Unfortunately, Daniel had found someone new to tell the tale to. He kept forgetting that Sam had actually been there. And the great debate that kept getting greater had simply been two guys folding their arms over their chests and adjusting their glasses for a half an hour.
"Well, can't you do something? Make it stop!"
"You're the one holding the zat."
Steve's teeny dino hand twitched.
Sam looked up again, wondering how the hell his hands could be both enormous and teeny at the same time. Must be a depth-perception thing.
Suddenly Daniel stopped. "Wait. Sam! All we have to do is stand perfectly still. Steve won't be able to see us then!"
Sam glared at Daniel as she pulled him back into walking again. "If that isn't the stupidest load of..."
Steve cleared his throat. "No, no. Actually, he's right. Something that's perfectly still? Can't see it whatsoever. Yep, it's a real pain in the ass," he chuckled. "Frankly, I don't know how we get by at all. I mean just finding the toilet's a daily struggle. But, you probably don't want to hear me go on about my problems."
"See! I was right! Let's just stop!"
"Aw crap," Steve sighed. "Okay, here's the deal. We need you guys. We need a science-type person because we keep getting the blue screen of death on our computers..."
"Damn Microsoft," Sam muttered as the trio trekked onward.
Steve smirked. "Yeah, only here we call it Dinosoft for the obvious reasons. Oh, and we need a linguist because we found some alien text..."
"Well, why didn't you say so?!" Daniel demanded, perking up and beginning to bounce.
"Stop that." Steve's hand twitched again.
"Sorry." Daniel resumed his normal gait. Or tried to, every so often springing up without meaning to. "So, how'd you know to kidnap *us*?"
"Well, I've been watching you ever since you showed up on that planet."
"But we only arrived there a few hours ago," Sam frowned.
"We're really good watchers. Excellent hunting...I mean observing skills. And here's something you may not know - dinosaurs? Excellent judges of character."
Sam shook her head. "Did not know that."
"Plus there were these ninjas who told me who you were."
*