mrv3000 | (no subject)

Another writing exercise. Instead of focusing on the voice of a character, this time I'm trying a different narrative but following the extremely loose plot idea from the character freewriting I did earlier.

Okay, *not* a fic. Just an exercise.

No one has to read this, I just want to get it out there. Sounds weak, I know, but for me there really is a difference in my mind between having something on my computer and having something out in the open, even if no one actually reads it. It's therapeutic!

These writing exercises seem to have death in them. I wonder if that means something...

*

"Yes, sir."

You hear the voice in your head the whole way. You run as fast as you can but your body...your knees rebel. You end up getting there last.

Before you see him, you see the others.

You see Teal'c first. His face...no. Not his face. His eyes. His eyes show sadness. But also resignation. Old eyes.

Next to him, Daniel paces. One hand running through his hair, the other slapping his bandana on his leg. You catch his gaze. Shock lives there.

You hear the sound of cracking bone and a jagged "Fuck." from Carter. She quickly looks up at you. Sorrow. But she only glances at you for a second as she tries to beat the life back into him.

You duck your head as a trickle of dirt showers down from the cliff's edge. Your face down away from the rocks, you finally look.

"Yes, sir."

Too damn young.

Just a kid...

You try and keep it down, after all, you're used to death. But it's stronger than you. It blindsides you. Commands you. Laughs at you.

You don't try to control yourself as you leave your team behind. You don't try to control yourself as you beat the village elder within an inch of his life for not warning anyone about the edge. And you don't try to control yourself as you're pulled off of him by Teal'c and Daniel.

When the med team finally arrives, you insist on carrying part of the stretcher. And as you step through the Gate on Jonas' final trip to Earth, you hear his last words to you.

"Yes, sir."

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WAAAAAAAH!!

This is good. I like 2nd person POV.

And Jonas! WAAAAAAAAH!!

You should so write angst more often. That was *beautiful*.

And I though it was Carter at first... *sobs*

Ha! I'm sending feedback for a not-a-fic! Can't resist!

I like the careful detail, the way you're bringing the scene to life.

BTW, and irrelevantly so, I can write nowdays, but I'm not able to read much, and I used to devour fic and I'd want more. I have reader's block.

EVIL!

But fab.

This second person works so well here, I was totally drawn into the body of the story.

And this is you 'exercising'? I wish I could write work to the claibre of this when I am really trying!

WELL DONE

Yeah...what

audrich said. Exactly.
I hope you post more exercises.
:-)

*wails*

No! Not Jonas!!!

Wonderfull written and hope you do more. Where Jonas lives, of course.

This is an interesting excercise. I'm curious to see where you take these...or if you do anything at all. I sort of like this one as is.

Wah!

That was excellent. And very painful. Meep.

You hear the sound of cracking bone and a jagged "Fuck." from Carter. She quickly looks up at you. Sorrow. But she only glances at you for a second as she tries to beat the life back into him.

You duck your head as a trickle of dirt showers down from the cliff's edge.

Loved these lines. Wow. Ouch.

I can totally understand the need to get stuff off of your harddrive. And I liked both of your freewrites. I'm so blocked right now that I can't even freewrite. You are phenominal!

Wow. Excellent. You put me right in the middle of that scene.

And if you don't break a rib, you're not doing it right. I really "liked" the detail.

Marvelous, poignant, sad, lots of other adjectives. I could SEE it! Great job! :)

Thanks! I think the 2nd person POV worked out surprisingly and *accidentally* well. Just analyzing it afterwards, the 2nd person POV works for this kind of out-of-body feel.

Poor smooshed Jonas. :(

Aww, thanks! Not sure why I left it vague as to who it really was right away. Maybe it's just instinctive - a little cheat to make the reader want to keep reading. :D

Ha! I'm sending feedback for a not-a-fic! Can't resist!

I can't believe the reaction to not-a-fic! :D

I like the careful detail, the way you're bringing the scene to life.

Thanks! I probably paid more attention to the detail than normal since I was writing in a style I had never written before. That said, I'm seeing things I want to FIX. Heh. But I must stop myself - it was just an exercise.

BTW, and irrelevantly so, I can write nowdays, but I'm not able to read much, and I used to devour fic and I'd want more. I have reader's block.

Uh oh. I think *everyone* eventually goes through that. The question is if you will ever return. I stopped reading sometime last...spring? I think. Still don't really read except 1 or 2. And this is even with my closest LJ chums. Actually, the only sure way to get me to read something is to force me to beta it. :D

*smooooch*

Thanks! Just...thanks!!

Like I said to someone above, I think the 2nd person POV working was more an accident than anything else.

Thanks. :)

And now for my next exercise: stomach crunches! ;)

Poor, poor Jonas.

Thanks, though! I'll try and get over my Jonas whumping binge! :D

I had toyed with the idea of following it along back to the psychiatrist that I alluded to in the first one...but will have to see. I am supposed to be freewriting some more, so who knows!

Otherwise, don't know that I'll take these anywhere. They really are just exercises! :D

Aww, thanks! :)

All these comments - now I wish I had betaed it...or spell checked it! :D

Thanks. :)

I was/am pretty writer's blocky right now still. You have *no* idea how painful it was to do that first Jack dialog. I mean *painful*. But I guess exercises make us stretch. :)

Wow. Excellent. You put me right in the middle of that scene.

Thanks!

And if you don't break a rib, you're not doing it right. I really "liked" the detail.

I actually don't know a lot about CPR - I just remembered that a lot of times ribs can get broken and thought it would be something jarringly physical since we didn't "see" the accident.

Wow - thanks a lot! :)

Sorry about the spelling error - I was a bit excited about your snippet *facepalms*

I meant calibre (UK)/caliber (US) of course *embarrassed*

Well, it's good that you can do something like this, even though it hurts. My muse got atcive in the middle of the night last night, so this could be a good thing.

Ooo - good for you!

Hee hee! You know, I didn't even notice. Or if I did, didn't focus on it because I knew what you meant. :)

Poor Jonas...that's so sad. You should definitely write more. *g*

Thanks. :) I wish I could write more.

Actually, the only sure way to get me to read something is to force me to beta it. :D

I almost never beta anything. I feel a bit guilty about it, but I put a lot of energy into a good beta and I usually don't have the energy to spare.

I'm taking iron pills now to help with anemia. Wonder if they'll help with the reader's block?

I'm taking iron pills now to help with anemia. Wonder if they'll help with the reader's block?

Ya never know...

Very good though. You didn't need the cheat to keep me reading :)

Oooo....angsty! Whooo! :D Very nice, MV. :)

Aww, thanks! :)

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