Can't believe I just did this...

[mrv3000]

So apparently it's Talk Like a Pirate Day. Um...Arrrr! And I get this email in my inbox - something about wanting me to write a story where Jack talks piratey - an idea that originated in a chat. Of course, I'm not naming any names. *cough*chirohosuzvoy*cough* Obviously they were drunk on OJ...or something. Because that's so insane, it just might work! And in a related matter, I'd like to say goodbye to josephides who will no doubt unfriend me for doing this.

Heh. Guys - this *probably* isn't what you were hoping for. *VBG*

Ooo - Season 7 spoilers for Homecoming and Fragile Balance.

Warning: unbetaed and insane.

*

"So then I said to Karen, well of course he doesn't treat you right..."

Jack nodded appreciatively, then sipped on his Viennese Cinnamon Roast. He just loved coffee time with Daniel and Teal'c.

"...and then she started talking about leaving him again," Daniel finished with a roll of his eyes.

"She would merely return to him as she has done so many times in the past, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said, blowing on his own steaming mug.

Jack nodded again. "Of course she will."

"Hey guys!" A familiarly chipper voice made the three of them turn towards the door.

"Jonas you old so-and-so! How's it hanging?" Jack smiled.

"Free and easy, Colonel."

"That's what I like to hear!" Jack took a sip and then leaned back in his chair. "So Jonas, why are you here?"

"Cheap plot device?"

Ah. CPD. Something Jack was intimately familiar with. He winced at the thought of his "other self" and what the hell he would be doing at that moment. Or who. He shuddered.

Jonas continued. "So I just need you to say something pirate-y...oh! What the hell?! Daniel! What'd you do to my fish?!"

All eyes in the room turned to the tank containing six plastic floating fish, which were slightly bobbing from the motion caused by the bubbler.

Daniel winced. "Um, what are you talking about?"

"Miffy! Biffy! Snu-snu! Artemeaus! Fluffy! Jack!" Jonas wailed.

Jack frowned. "You named the fish Jack?"

Daniel walked over and put a hand on Jonas' shoulder. "Jonas, the truth is...the truth is I took them home to live with my other fish. Yeah."

"Really?" he asked hopefully.

Jack winced, remembering the mass flushing they did one day after coming back from an especially long mission. Although he might have thought about tearing up if he had known that one of them was named Jack.

"Oh yeah. There's lots of room to romp and play there," Daniel smiled.

"That's really great they're sharing a place." Jonas grinned broadly. "You know...I wouldn't mind sharing a place."

"Wouldn't we all." Daniel patted his shoulder.

"Hear that sharing a place is the way to go." Jonas looked hopefully at Daniel.

"I've heard that too."

"Always nice to go halfsies on the rent. Split the cable bill."

"Sounds like paradise."

"I'm just sayin'."

"Yes you are."

"Suppose I have to go back to war-torn, backwards Kelowna now, huh?"

"I suppose."

"Well, if you're ever looking for a roomm..."

"I'll let you know."

"Oh! I almost forgot! The weak reason I'm here! Colonel, I need you to say something piratey." He turned to Jack and pulled a mini tape recorder out of his pocket.

Oh thank God! Jonas *hadn't* been happy to see them!

"You have tape recorders on your world, Jonas Quinn?" Teal'c gazed at the young man most stoically.

"If you as no follow-up questions...yes."

Jack smiled. Thank the merciful heavens for CPDs! Okay, something piratey... "Avast? Savvy? Snog Carter?"

Whoops.

"Uh, forget I said that last one."

"How about 'arrrrr!'?" Jonas asked, his arm outstretched with the tape recorder.

Jack cleared his throat. "ARRRRRR!"

Jonas punched the stop button. "Thanks! That's what I needed."

He looked around.

"Guess I'll go now."

In the distance alien crickets chirped in an open specimen jar.

He slowly walked to the door. "Okay then. I'm going."

A scientist fed the alien crickets to an alien frog.

"Out the door. Through the gate."

"See ya." Jack took another sip of coffee.

"Just dial me up any time. Day or night. Really. My bag's already packed."

"Got it Jonas," Daniel smiled.

"Okay, bye," Jonas said as he finally left the room.

Daniel turned back towards the two. "So where were we?"

Teal'c tilted his head. "Karen's boyfriend is a dick."

-Fin-

Disclaimer: The Karen in this story in no way represents poohmusings. It's just that when you're writing comedy, is there any better name to use than Karen? I think you'll agree there isn't.

*sips cinnamon coffee*

Comments

[yamadara.livejournal.com]

"Miffy! Biffy! Snu-snu! Artemeaus! Fluffy! Jack!" Jonas wailed.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

That was insane! And really hilarious. Savvy.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Hee hee! Thanks!

[tv-elf.livejournal.com]

Snerk. Snerk snerk. Poor snu-snu, how we loved him.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

*wails* Snu-snu!!!

[tv-elf.livejournal.com]

So young and so promising. This is a travesty. Won't someone think of the children!

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

*sniff* Poor little guppies. :(

[tv-elf.livejournal.com]

Shouldn't there be some pet care available for units who are stuckoff world for longer than expected? Otherwise wouldn't the SPCA be after them for endangering animals? And does the SPCA even cover fish? Ooh, an Animal Planet show where they arrest Danny for killing poor Snu-snu!

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

I have no idea if the SPCA covers fish. Maybe they have a sub-category for disposable pets. And Danny should be severely reprimanded for killing Snu-snu. :(

[poohmusings.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

*falls off chair* *clutches sides*

My first fic shout-out! *dances while still lying on floor* :) And it couldn't have occurred in a better fic. ;)

"Jonas you old so-and-so! How's it hanging?" Jack smiled.

"Free and easy, Colonel."

Heh.

"That's really great they're sharing a place." Jonas grinned broadly. "You know...I wouldn't mind sharing a place."

"Wouldn't we all." Daniel patted his shoulder.

"Hear that sharing a place is the way to go." Jonas looked hopefully at Daniel.

Heee! Daniel and Jonas, sitting in a tree ... :D

Teal'c tilted his head. "Karen's boyfriend is a dick."

And, of course, I just HAD to read that as, "Karen's boyfriend *has* a dick." *facepalms*

But TOO FUNNY! *smooooooock*!

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Hee hee!

Heee! Daniel and Jonas, sitting in a tree ... :D

Aww. Whose icon is it..."theirloveissogeeky". Aww.

And, of course, I just HAD to read that as, "Karen's boyfriend *has* a dick." *facepalms*

Well, that usually helps. ;)

But TOO FUNNY! *smooooooock*!

Thanks! *smooock*

[woodface]

I wanna read, I wanna read, I wanna read

*takes a deep breath*

OK just another week and hopefully the tape will be here and then I can read.

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Aww. Of course, there's a good chance you'll be disappointed... *VBG*

[woodface]

Well then you'll just have to write me another one that won't disappoint me! =oP

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Bwah! Hmm.

Hey. Look behind you. Jack's ass.

*runs*

[woodface]

Oooooooo *pounces Jack*

[chiroho.livejournal.com]

Well I can't say it's what I expected. Damn funny though. Thanks! :D

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Heh. What can I say? I just can't do challenges. :D

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

"You named the fish Jack?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

So many stolen lines, so little time...

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

*pats*

[diavestra.livejournal.com]

Avast ye! That be a mighty funny piece, lass!

(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

:D Thanks!

*THWACK*

[josephides.livejournal.com]

Teal'c tilted his head. "Karen's boyfriend is a dick."

So true, so true...

Wow! But, gosh, isn't this funny! And you know what? Not only is it funny but it's totally serious as well! I mean, I think you do serious and funny EQUALLY brilliantly and anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron.

:d

Re: *THWACK*

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Heh heh heh.

:d

[samkicksass.livejournal.com]

I knew this would be clever. You rock!

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Aww. *smoooch*

[angst-angel.livejournal.com]

And in a related matter, I'd like to say goodbye to josephides who will no doubt unfriend me for doing this.

*vbg* Mwahaha!! *ignores spoiler warning* The only thing I've really been majorly spoiled for as far as S6 goes is Full Circle. Whoops. ;) Didn't even notice them in here, except for the reference to Jonas' leaving. *g*

"Miffy! Biffy! Snu-snu! Artemeaus! Fluffy! Jack!" Jonas wailed.

*falls over laughing* Hahaha!!!

"If you as no follow-up questions...yes."
Jack smiled. Thank the merciful heavens for CPDs!

Ah, this whole thing is hilarious. I can't pick all the lines! :D

It's just that when you're writing comedy, is there any better name to use than Karen? I think you'll agree there isn't.

Insane comment for an insane fic - that line just reminds me of Will and Grace. *g*

Silly, silly, but oh-so-good. :)

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

*vbg* Mwahaha!! *ignores spoiler warning* The only thing I've really been majorly spoiled for as far as S6 goes is Full Circle. Whoops. ;) Didn't even notice them in here, except for the reference to Jonas' leaving. *g*

Oh good! The spoilers were pretty vague...but there were two episode-specific ones. I'm not gonna point them out though. *g*

*falls over laughing* Hahaha!!!

Hee!

Ah, this whole thing is hilarious. I can't pick all the lines! :D

*snicker* Thanks! :D

Insane comment for an insane fic - that line just reminds me of Will and Grace. *g*

Because of "Karen"?

Silly, silly, but oh-so-good. :)

Thanks!

[angst-angel.livejournal.com]

I'm not gonna point them out though. *g*

Because I'm too ditzy to notice them? ;)

Because of "Karen"?

Yep. :D See, what does mrv2000 have that you don't?

[mrv3000.livejournal.com]

Because I'm too ditzy to notice them? ;)

*thwack* Nooooo.

If you didn't spot the spoilers I'm not going to point them out because then you'd for sure be spoiled!

Yep. :D See, what does mrv2000 have that you don't?

I know! I shouldn't let myself get jealous of her so much. *sniff*

[angst-angel.livejournal.com]

If you didn't spot the spoilers I'm not going to point them out because then you'd for sure be spoiled!

Thanks. hon. :)

I know! I shouldn't let myself get jealous of her so much. *sniff*

{{hugs}} It's okay - you like the Diet Coke, and that's cool. *g*